My wife controls all our money - so I cheat on her to regain my freedom

‘I feel a possibility that you might actually want to be with her but that she’s too overbearing,’ says Kenny (Photo: Peter Dazeley/Getty Images)

I’m confused as to whether you actually love your wife, or if you feel that you have to be with her because she’s your ticket to an easier life because she comes with money and her controlling, care-giving ways enable you to act like a playboy? Do you enjoy the tension of your lifestyle where you get to rebel and play with fire?

I wonder what your intentions are for your future, and whether they feature your wife or not? What would you like to happen if you were caught out? This might help give you an answer as to your genuine long-term intentions in this relationship. Would you hope she’d end your relationship, because you don’t feel able to? Or would you hope she’d turn a blind eye to your indiscretions, as long as you came back to her? Maybe you’d suggest an open relationship – for all you know she may be cheating on you?

When you say you feel indebted to her emotionally, is that guilt: is she emotionally checked in for the long haul, while you haven’t yet decided whether you’re going short haul or not?

Financially, I understand that the relationship may feel imbalanced: being with her has given you an opportunity to invest in a business that you might otherwise have only achieved with a loan, were you able to get an adequate loan. Do you love your business? Do you work hard for it to turn a profit? Or is it something that landed in your lap as an opportunity not to be missed, or to keep you busy?

I wonder whether part of you might like to let the business earn enough so you can pay her back, and then move on. If this is the case, then it might be more courageous and honest to let her know your intentions so she’s not emotionally strung along while you set yourself up in life, whether or not either of you might want children at some stage.

The core question for you to decide here is whether or not you love your wife and want to make a go of it with her. When you say that you need a release valve while being with her, I feel a possibility that you might actually want to be with her but that she’s too overbearing. If this is the case, then I strongly suggest that you give it your best shot – perhaps with the support of a counsellor – to create space for the two of you to enjoy your relationship so you’re able to take part in your life as someone capable of making your own decisions. To create space for you to relax within your own life, so you don’t need to run for release or escape.

When it comes to the curating of your social life, when did this begin? Are you generally quite passive when it comes to arranging to see people and your wife more organised? Do you have separate friends, do you have shared friendship circles, or does she provide you with a social life? How do you feel about leading with plans yourself or doing it together, to see how it goes?

How does it feel when your social life is all planned out for you? Some people quite like to be controlled and be taken care of, not just bringing a sense of safety and everything being provided for, but also to have something to rebel against, which seems to be what you’re doing. Other people might feel stifled or suffocated, or as if there’s no room for the spontaneity that your lifestyle as young professionals with no dependents allows.

Did her curation of your social life coincide with your infidelity, or did it start after, as a response to it? I wonder if she’s sensing an insecurity that she is trying to control through curating your life: plastering over cracks she wishes haven’t formed between the two of you.

It’s also possible that your wife doesn’t realise the impact she’s having on your life, with your shared social diary. She may genuinely think she’s taking care of life admin and that you appreciate her planning things for you, rather than realising that you find it overbearing. She may not realise that things aren’t as perfect for you as they are for her.

If she’s seen her extended family act similarly in their marriages; if she believes she’s being organised, thoughtful and inclusive rather than pinning you to plans you’ve not signed up for, she may simply be behaving in a way she imagines shows care.

Do you want to change? Do you feel worthy of your wife’s love? If you do love your wife and want to give your marriage your best shot then step away from the edge, make sure there is nothing for her to find out.

Start communicating, rather than running away. There will possibly be a level of removal between you – a secret of yours that you cannot share – but if there’s love between you, then that will hopefully not stop you from having a fulfilling relationship.

If you want to open up your marriage, do so mindfully within your relationship, rather than as a release from it.

You’re both young enough to make fundamental changes in your lives and build on a stable foundation. You’re both old enough to be honest with yourselves and each other. If you need to set yourself free, do it with clarity and love rather than playing with fire.