Seeking out help from a professional may be the way forward, suggests i’s agony uncle (Photo: Ridofranz/Getty)

It’s great to hear that you both lead full, sociable, sporty, successful lives. It must really suck to also feel you’re in the bag, nothing special, a first reserve. Your surprise dinner falling flat on its face because your partner forgot to tell you her plans must have felt like a horrible letdown.

It sounds as if your communication is generally strong and your relationship stable.

But there’s a disconnect between how much time you’re spending together and what you would like. I wonder whether this is because you’ve reached a place where your love is unquestioned, or whether things have become stale – and perhaps it’s all feeling a bit boring. It sounds to me like you’re living like flatmates or even siblings. I wonder how your sex life is, or whether you share excitement together?

How much effort does your partner make? Or are you the chaser, she’s the avoider and that’s the groove that you’ve found yourself in? It might be that these are roles that you’ve played most of your lives and it is nothing personal. Or it might be symbolic of a problem. Do you think you might be dependent on her? It’s worth checking if neediness might be something with which you identify and if so examining where in your past this is coming from (when did you first feel that lack?).

I wonder how responsibility, security and freedom felt for the two of you as you were growing up in your respective families? You might already know the answer – your depth of communication when it comes to not having children is admirable – but if not, do talk to your partner about this: it might give you an insight into her independent spirit.

It sounds as if when you chat to your partner about the lack of time together, she regularly reassures you that things will change. Do you think she finds this hard to stick to because she’s quite happy with life the way it is, with a degree of independence – and she makes promises to you to try and take the edge off your needs?

It’s worth asking yourself a series of questions: how dependent on her are you? How much time do you consciously spend together over a week or month – and how much would you like? If nothing changed in two, five, or 10 years, then would this relationship be good enough for you? Have you discussed how you see the next decades playing out together?

I wonder if you’re in love with the woman by your side – or out-and-about as it may be – or are in love with the past, of what you had, or the potential of what might be. This conversation is worth having with her so you have clarity of both your intentions as you hit your middle years.

I wonder why you have decided you will always be there. If you’re always there, she might feel little space to want you, miss you or even to move towards you because you’re always there first filling the space. I strongly recommend that you take responsibility for your own needs, which will enable you to have a lot more fun. It’s almost like being whole, rather than expecting someone else to fill an emotional hole for you. Get on with your own life: be there for yourself, irrespective of whether she is too.

What do you want to do with your freedom beyond work? Do you feel you have a sense of purpose, do you express yourself with passion, and what’s on the top of your list of priorities? This might be a golden time with your friends, before many have children or move away with their careers. Why not make the most of your full social life while it’s around and deepen your friendships and relationships so they remain strong through the years when people have less time? Have the courage to focus on yourself and put yourself first, and hopefully your partner will see that there’s space for her to come towards you.

Set yourself free from guilting your partner into change, too. It isn’t working. Instead, find the things that will bring you alive together. Do you want to go travelling? Do you somehow want to change the world? Do you do sports together, or are your social lives quite separate? If she doesn’t want to invest more time in doing things together, take this time to invest in yourself.

Maybe at heart your partner wants to live a more independent life than you and you might find that you’d be better with someone who is more comfortable in a couple, or maybe giving your relationship a new boost of excitement will help remind her how much she enjoys spending time with you. Either way, focus on being there for yourself and this will help you become available to all the love, adventure and fun that life might bring, whether your partner is beside you or not.