My daughter has cut me off because I disapprove of her controlling boyfriend

‘Trust your daughter, in time, to recognise that she doesn’t feel good about herself when she’s around her boyfriend,’ says Kenny (Photo: Goran13/Getty)

I’m not surprised that your daughter’s wellbeing is making you think of your wife and wishing for her wisdom. I’m sorry that she’s unable to be with you any more, but it is testament to the strength of your relationship that you miss her company. I wonder, if you bring her to mind, what you think she might advise on this? Or is it a subject where you simply don’t know how she’d respond, which can bring its own sorrow. I wonder whether the loss of your wife might make you feel extra protective over your daughter?

I suggest you respond to your daughter’s text letting her know that irrespective of who she’s with or what she does, you’ll always be there for her and will always love her. Reassure her that you are capable of watching her explore life in whatever ways she wishes, without tampering, judging or controlling her – even though that might not be what she feels she’s witnessed so far.

If she has clearly asked for space from you, then I would respect her request of not contacting her after you send this reply, so she feels you’re respecting her boundaries and wishes – and you’re not forcing her to choose between him and you. Beyond this, any communication should be indirect and discreet, through family friends or siblings, just so she knows that you’re there for her always, irrespective of anything.

I can’t imagine this is easy for you, because so much of what you’ve described is in the media with men undermining their partners, shattering their confidence, gaslighting their understanding of the truth. This doesn’t have to be the case here and it’s good that you’ve got your eye on what might be subtly going on.

This is the time to be solid and strong in the background, so your daughter knows she can come to you if need be – rather than more vocal in the foreground. You can show this simply by stating that you’re here, whatever choices she might make. I’d hope she has friends and other people in her life who she can confide in if need be, and that she doesn’t isolate herself. Do you know her close friends? Does she have strong female role models in her life?

I’d also ask you to consider whether you’d consider any man good enough for your daughter? That feeling that someone you love, especially your child, ‘could do better’ is uncomfortable, but frequent.

Your daughter’s in her mid twenties: she may well be getting to know herself as she engages with the power games and social complications of the mainstream world: her anxious, cautious and hesitant side might be a valid part of getting to know herself.

Or your instincts might be completely right: however unconsciously, this man might be undermining her. That’s an unhealthy dynamic, but you consider that this may not be deliberate behaviour to erode your daughter’s confidence, and the fact there’s no bad intent may be reassuring.

Trust your daughter, in time, to recognise that she doesn’t feel good about herself when she’s around her boyfriend. And to choose feeling good over a relationship. Hopefully, her friends will also see what you see and will be keeping close watch. I imagine you’re half-tempted to get in touch with them all. Don’t, please.

Use the space your daughter’s asked for to consciously change gear in your relationship: it seems to me she’s wanting to meet as adults, rather than you being the protector and authority. This might be a golden opportunity for you to change your role and turn your protective instincts to become trusting of her instincts, even when she finds herself in pain and trouble. Because if you don’t let her make her own mistakes, you’re stealing her lessons. And if she listens to you, her lessons won’t fully belong to her – and you could be seen as the undermining male in her life.

By giving your daughter freedom to make mistakes she will feel more inclined to come to you, amongst others, with her broken heart so she can put herself together again as a more aware, streetwise, able woman.

If you believe she’s in danger then of course you must step in and inform the police, but what you are describing is far more insidious than that.

I’m conscious of how hard this must feel for you, particularly because I recognise that on some level you’re trying to fulfill the role of mother and father and want to protect your daughter from further pain. With Christmas around the corner, there surely will be some communication between you too there. In the meantime, I’d recommend you show respect for her wishes, step back and learn to look after yourself. I sincerely hope it isn’t a long wait for her to get in touch.