‘Some very important skills that parents often don’t pass on to their children are the basic tools of budgeting and saving,’ says Kenny (Photo: Getty Images)

Isn’t it interesting how siblings can turn out so differently, the way in which they approach the world socially, creatively, spiritually, emotionally and financially? I wonder if your daughter’s attitude to spending has changed since leaving home. Was she better at managing money previously? Or is this simply part of her personality? Spending money on having a good time and looking good is pretty normal for someone in their first year of university.

Some very important skills that parents often don’t pass on to their children are the basic tools of budgeting and saving. Show your children how people make money – which can be through investments as well as selling their time – and how to be caring and sharing with it (I once heard a teenager on a train telling her friends that her mum had taught her that only stupid people spend their own money: not a positive financial, or social education). The skill of managing our resources, including time and energy, is something that every young adult would benefit from learning.

Such parental education, in my opinion, needs to be shared with calm acceptance, and it is important to examine your own relationship with money first, to prevent passing on any fear or suspicion surrounding wealth, poverty and everything in between.

It’s striking you compare your daughter and your wife’s financial skills. Is your wife custodian of holidays and activities in your family, while you take care of the grounded basics of life? It sounds as if you bring markedly different, important skills to the table. I would caution against seeing either one of your approaches as more positive than the other; in reality it’s the combination of your two attitudes that brings balance, though I agree that safety and essentials come first.

Different views – in finances as across all different spheres of life – are frequently very complementary in a family. If there have previously been heated discussions in your household around money and spending, consider opening up these conversations to the family, so your children can learn about the management of pressures and resources. It would be good for them to see how you resolve your financial tensions and choose the way forward together, as a couple, or maybe even as a family.

Do you feel your son has developed his money management skills from you, and your daughter from her mother? I wonder about the dynamics in your family: I imagine the four of you spend less time together than a few years ago; though did you all tend to spend a lot of time together, or would your daughter gravitate to her mother and your son to you?

I want to be clear, there’s no suggestion from me that your son is somehow better because he can manage money, while your daughter’s lesser because she hasn’t got the same capacity to balance the books. To me, they sound like each other’s opposite – and I hope that as siblings they get on well enough that your son will encourage your daughter to be more prudent with resources, while your daughter can remind him it’s currency, to be enjoyed.

Your daughter has just finished her first year at university. She is only just learning to become an adult and stand on her own two feet. This might be the ideal time to pass on knowledge and life skills that will improve her life: sometimes it is only when children leave home that they, or their parents, realise the gaps in their knowledge about how to live an independent life. If your daughter is learning life skills purely from her mother, and your son from you, it might be an idea for you to open this up for them.

I understand your current dilemma – and wonder if you can remove it by reducing your daughter’s opportunity for frittering funds. For example, have you considered giving your son £10,000 now and, rather than a similar sum to your daughter when she graduates, you might pay for her rent and expenses up to £10,000 now, while she’s still a student?

That way, she gets the leg up now, and you can use the funds to help show her how to manage money. If you choose to put your daughter’s money in a savings account, with a standing order to cover rent, why not explore the options with her so she can see how to choose an account and how to set things up?

If it feels right, you could include your son, too. Another option is that, rather than giving her a lump sum when she starts work, you pay her rent at that time instead. This might offset your feelings of stress surrounding the money as you wait for her to waste it – and your subsequent upset – if it is indeed wasted.

I honour the way you want to treat your children equally, so I encourage you to find ways to gift them the money that feels equal, but doesn’t lead to tension or resentment. By putting money matters comfortably on the table – and seeing both your children’s financial education as something over which you have an influence and which will have a huge impact on their futures – you’ll reduce stress and tension now and help them make more positive decisions over everything from pensions and investments to credit cards and shopping habits.