My partner is 40 and desperate for a baby but I am ambivalent

‘My partner is fearful that I may end up leaving her for someone younger when I ‘change my mind about children’ and that she will regret it forever,’ says the reader (Photo: Emir Memedovski/Getty)

What a whirlwind two years you’ve been through together: I wonder whether you feel experiencing so much of life in such a short period of time has made you closer? I wonder whether you wish that this whole children thing had never come up in the first place, so you could continue living with the joy that you have found in the present? But, my friend, sadly once Pandora is out of the box, she won’t return.

This situation rings alarm bells for me. Your girlfriend, who seemed to have such a yearning desire to become a mother that you were about to embark on IVF, which physically is a huge assault on a woman as they inject themselves with hormones and have eggs removed – has said she’s happy not to have children. Is this to please you? Do you think that she’s following her heart, or is this a decision she might come to regret or resent, regardless of whether you’re together or not?

Has your girlfriend tended towards other insecurities over the past two years, or is it specifically around children? If it’s the former, I wonder what part of her past she needs to make peace with and heal. If it is specifically related to not becoming a parent, I wonder if it’s her future with which she needs to make peace. If she’s suggesting that she’d regret the decision to not try to have children if you ever left her, it sounds like she’s very conflicted.

I’m not sure that any man can ever really understand what the bodily wish to have a child can feel like for a woman. She’s making an irreversible decision about her future, and I wonder if she’s ready to grieve the life she’d imagined? I wonder how it will feel for you to support her through that grief?

Having children certainly isn’t a compromise situation, and I’m relieved that you’re chatting to your girlfriend about your concerns now, rather than with a babe-in-arms. I feel a little troubled that you feel IVF sounds too stressful, when you didn’t give that level of consideration to conceiving naturally.

It sounds like you have a need for a simple, easy, peaceful life. But if she were to have gotten pregnant, your simple, peaceful life would have come to an end overnight – something many prospective parents don’t give enough thought to when making children involves lots of sex, especially in the honeymoon period of a loving relationship. I wonder if the realities of IVF have led you to consider parenthood in a way that you perhaps didn’t give a great deal of thought to before? You mention cold feet: do you think this is a recognition of the natural fear of taking on a huge responsibility and unconditional love, or a conclusion that this is not the path for you?

It’s clear that you are very happy to have met your girlfriend. You clearly don’t wish to lose each other. I feel like it would be a great kindness to you both to really stop and think about your futures.

It’s wonderful that you like your life the way it is. Life, though, evolves whether we want it to or not – and whether we have children or not. Some of your friends will have children and their focus will likely shift towards their families; you’ll meet new people and others will move away; you and your partner will age and experience health issues. How do you feel about that? How does your partner truly feel about never having children and grandchildren?

I’m struck by how frequently women’s greatest fear in relationships would be their partner leaving them for someone younger and then having a child with them. It touches the very tender, sacred core, especially when ideas of womanhood and motherhood are intertwined. Is this the case for your girlfriend? Has she always imagined herself as a parent?

Has your partner always presumed she’d have children? Have you chatted to her about how she’ll feel years down the line when those around her have children and grandchildren? Is she asking herself about a new imagined future? How much have you talked to her about this: what will you do with all that spare time that’s now not going to be spent changing nappies? Does this make her feel excited, relieved, or sad?

It’s not your responsibility to protect your girlfriend, but it is the kind thing to do and it’s important that she’s fully considered her decision in the long term. I also believe it’s important for you to take time to gain distance and perspective on your own decision. Radical honesty is important: focusing on your future will, I hope, help you gain conviction as to whether your future lies with your partner or if you’re harbouring any doubts after the intensity of the past two years, which need addressing now, however counter to a peaceful, easy life in the short term this might feel.

Hopefully this, rather than promises that you’ll not leave her and want to grow old together, will give her the reassurance that she needs about her future without children. Your girlfriend can then begin to grieve the loss of an imagined future; a grief that may run deep, and that you can support, if not share.

Talking through your futures also makes sure your girlfriend has given every consideration to whether she’ll be happy if she doesn’t pursue the thing that she’s previously told you she thinks about every waking moment. If she decides she ultimately won’t, she still has time to follow that path, with or without you. Either way, she needs to make this decision for herself, rather than for you.