About
Work with me
Private Sessions Management Consultancy
Media and Blog
Media Blog Books iPaper Agony Uncle
Trainings
MenFacilitate Training Waiting List
Men's Groups
Men's Groups Group Facilitators
Contact

My ex is moving away with my 10-year-old – I regret our breakup

4 Mar 2024

"My 10-year-old daughter is moving further away with my ex-partner.

I’m devastated that I won’t get to see the best person in my life as frequently. We’ll still get half our weekends together, but no weekdays.

Anon

I won’t get to see the best person in my life as much and I’m devastated (Photo: Getty)

It’s heartbreaking to hear your situation. Most importantly, your daughter needs to know that your love isn’t limited by geography. Your actions will show this, of course, but it’s helpful to explain that you’ll always be there; not only when you see each other but by phone and video whenever she wants.

You’ll be sharing your daughter with her mother and mother’s partner, as well as new friends and neighbours: how do you want to be part of this new life? Allowing her to share her world with you and keeping an open conversation about new people in her life shows your love.

 

I also wonder how you truly feel about the new partner: if it were me I’d probably be riddled with jealousy that they get to be around my child when I don’t, and I know I’d need to take care of my own emotions rather than display them to my child.

You might want to punch his lights out – not because of who he is because it sounds as if he’s very caring – but because you might feel that he’s stolen your family. Or you might want to tell him how important your daughter is to you and let him know you’re  trusting him to protect her, to listen to her, to see she comes to no harm.

My suggestion would be to befriend him, or at least be on good terms, to make him a known entity. Let his name be spoken by your daughter too, as part of her new reality. I acknowledge this might involve putting your love and care for your daughter before your own hurt, feelings of rejection and probable anger and deep sadness.

 

Perhaps there are also emotions with which to make peace surrounding the end of your relationship with your ex-partner? Did you  feel angry or resentful when they told you she was moving, and does that initial reaction need to be repaired so you can both bring your child up consciously and lovingly, parenting with a united front of similar values and boundaries?

Her announcement might have revealed that wounds you’d hoped were healed were deeper than you’d realised. Perhaps, in the back of your mind, you hoped there was a chance of one day getting back together. I wonder whether you’ve somehow been trying to redeem yourself since the relationship broke down.

 

Please know that mental issues are not  something over which you need to feel regret: strong relationships weather storms and you need not feel blame or shame. This is your opportunity to forgive yourself completely for that time, say whatever you might need to bring that chapter to a close so everyone can move forward in peace. This will take any burden off your daughter’s shoulders, as she’s in the middle and may feel – as so many children do – that she’s responsible for everyone’s happiness and wellbeing.

 

What type of new relationship do  you want with the mother of your child and how can you invite her into this with open communication and clear boundaries? I used to believe that boundaries were barriers to keep people out, until I realised they were conscious, intimate places where people can meet, aware of our own and others needs.

Through this huge, jarring change, how will you look after yourself? Is there pain that needs to be spoken, cried out, or held safe? Rage that needs to be shouted out or taken into the gym or onto the running track? Shock where you feel numb and don’t know what to do because you can’t change or  fix this? Do you know men in similar situations who will be able to relate to you? Are you yet ready to open your heart: could this be an opportunity for community and love?

I’d recommend having a conversation with your ex-partner about spending more time with your daughter over holidays and half-terms, to compensate for not seeing her in the week. Perhaps she could bring a friend so she’s not having to choose between different worlds. Over the next few years she’ll go through phases in her own growth of best friends and eventually boyfriends or girlfriends. I’ve seen  some parents grieve when growing children want less time, less physicality and fewer cuddles, but this is children instating healthy boundaries, not a rejection.

 

Whether you’re able to spend more time with your daughter or not, your weekends together will remain special. It’s not about spending money or giving gifts, instead giving attention and safe boundaries. Ask her what she wants to show you, rather than feeling pressure to come up with ideas. Nurture interests that can be shared whether you’re in the same place or not, whether that’s Harry Potter or Fantasy Football. This is a time for imagination and adventure together, and I hope that once you come to terms of living further apart you get the chance to make the most of this new chapter.