My daughter's stepfather is walking her down the aisle – I feel so betrayed

‘I feel like I’m still being punished for my infidelity and hurting her mum years ago’ (Photo: Charday Penn/Getty)

In short: yes, this decision sounds like it would feel awful for your daughter – please don’t be a no-show at her wedding because you feel embarrassed and disrespected. Instead, I’d encourage you to step into your daughter’s shoes for a moment. She wants you at her wedding – you’re her dad – and showing up is showing her love.

I am so happy that you and your daughter reconnected properly in her mid-twenties and that your relationship has become stronger. I’m also happy for your daughter that during the years when you didn’t see her frequently she found herself a good male role model.

I think it might be a bit unfair to say this might be about her punishing you: it sounds to me like she is showing her love and respect for her stepdad’s presence during her vulnerable years. I find it interesting, though, that you presume this “punishment” would be for your infidelity, rather than for the lack of room you had in your life for your daughter during her adolescence.

Marriages fall apart for countless reasons but in my experience, infidelity is a symptom rather than the root cause of a problem. I don’t know the details of your marriage and I doubt the way you split up is hugely relevant to the love your daughter has for either you and her stepdad.

I wonder, though, if you still feel some guilt about the nature of the ending, which may have gone against your values? Do you feel like you’re deserving of punishment? Is there something that is stopping you from moving on from your infidelity? Would you like them to be angry with you so you can feel bad? It sounds to me like your ex-wife has moved on and has a good, solid relationship. I can’t imagine that there is any lasting wish to punish you when ultimately being together led to your daughter, who you both love, and your split led to greater happiness.

I respect that you feel devastated about your daughter’s decision: she’s your biological daughter and I can understand the hurt associated with that. Coming from the starting point that it is hugely important for you to be there to celebrate with your daughter, I recommend that you take some time to plan how you’re going to take care of yourself throughout the celebrations. Take these months of wedding preparation to make sure you can go to the wedding feeling neither embarrassed nor disrespected, but feeling proud of your daughter and joy for her life. I’d recommend you do this by initiating some important conversations.

Firstly, I’d talk to your daughter about whether she’d like you to take a role during the day: has she anticipated that you will be giving a speech? Is there a place for you to say some words alongside her stepdad? If she doesn’t want you to say anything publicly, do take the time to tell her privately how proud you are of who she is and how much you love her. Let her know how much you respect her choices to celebrate her day her way – and to live her life with love. Also, acknowledge to her what a wonderful role her mother and stepdad have played and how grateful to them you are.

Have you chatted with your daughter directly about why you didn’t see her as much as you would have liked in the past? Asked her how it felt for her during those years? I’d encourage you to have that conversation and let her express any hurt she felt. I have many clients whose parents divorced and who have not seen their parents for periods of time.

Even though as adults they may understand the reasons this happened, many still feel pain because the message they interpreted when younger is that a parent’s love for them was conditional and that something or someone else was prioritised. I have no doubt that this wasn’t the message you wanted to send, nor how you felt, but your daughter wasn’t in your head and unless you’ve told her this explicitly, it might well be how she interpreted it.

I’d also suggest that you go out for dinner with your ex-wife and your daughter’s stepdad, so you can have a respectful relationship with them both in the present. I think it’s important for you to acknowledge what wonderful role models they have been and are in her life. This is about prioritising your daughter and yourself .

Finally, I would suggest that if, after these conversations, you still feel disrespected or embarrassed, rather than a sense that you’ve made peace with the past and your role at the wedding, you talk to a therapist or take this to a men’s group. Talk about your feelings with them, rather than your daughter – it’s not her role to be a parent, nor to support you.

At worst, you might find moments of the day awkward, but celebrating your daughter and the love she’s found is a perfect opportunity to show support, rather than fear or a need to prove anything. You deserve to show up at the wedding as a good man who is there for his daughter, rather than a guilty man who avoids the celebration or needs to state his case. I hope you feel proud of her and enjoy the love towards her that will fill the room.