My wife is going sober and asked me to do the same - I don't want to

‘While your wife is focused on your drinking, I wonder whether at some level her invitation to you is: “Be with me on this new adventure,”‘ says Kenny (Photo: SimpleImages/ Getty)

It’s great that you question whether you are being unreasonable, because it shows you’ve listened to your wife and generally trust her instincts and are trying to see her point of view. It’s also important that you are questioning this, rather than simply complying and losing your sense of self and community, which could lead to resentment. It might seem that your wife has made some assumptions about the “we” rather than the “I”, without asking: “How about you?”

You’re in a fun-loving stage of your life: some day that is likely to shift as your priorities, and those of your friends, change gear. However, that change does not have to happen overnight, it doesn’t have to be at your wife’s instigation, nor does it mean that you ever have to give up socialising, which is clearly something that seems to fire up your soul.

The part of you that comes alive with your friends needs to be respected – and whether it’s old friends or new, I’d hate to think that part of you has to die through any life change. So make space for yourself, rather than letting the fun part of you fall by the wayside.

As much as Sober October is a wonderful opportunity to stop drinking with support from a community – and it may indeed be a way of meeting your new local community outside of bars and pubs – I wonder about respect for your needs and why your wife feels she can impose this on your life. How well do you two communicate? Are you hearing her needs any more than she is hearing yours?

From your description, it sounds like your wife is moving emotionally into the motherhood stage in life and is hoping she’ll meet you there as a healthy, sober, available father and reliable community man. Your needs – like so many men – include a sense of belonging, downtime with friends and at this stage, enjoying a busy work life and social buzz.

While your wife is focused on your drinking, I wonder whether at some level her invitation to you is: “Be with me on this new adventure. Let’s find out who we are, meet new people, get involved in our new town as we enter this new phase of life together.” If it’s not her invitation, how about you make it the invitation, voicing this intention so you have a sense of discovering a new area and taking part in a new community together? Have you taken time to meet people in your local town doing what you love, whether creative, sporty or musical? I’d also recommend that you make time for nights together, both exploring your new town and being in your new home together.

You might find that if your wife’s focus changes toward what she wants within her new home town, rather than what she doesn’t want from her old life, she may grow more accepting that you don’t want to cut ties with your old life, and you are happy to have space to incorporate the new.

It might be that you’re getting to know a side of your wife beyond the party person you married. I wonder whether the woman you fell in love with is still there, waiting for you to explore fun in different ways. This is where it’s likely that greater depth and intimacy will enter your lives.

As for your drinking, firstly, I’m presuming that you don’t find it worrisome? If you chose to do Sober October, would that be realistic for you? Do you feel dependent on alcohol? What have others said about your drinking habits? Is there another time you might like to limit your drinking of your own free will? These are questions worth asking of yourself regularly – and never hesitate to seek support if you have concerns.

I’d recommend that you talk to your wife about drinking specifically: why is this her focus? Does she have concerns about your health, your habits or possible effects on the child you wish to bring into the world? Is this tied in with a wish to become part of her new community? Would you consider a compromise, where for example, you drink on certain days of the week or certain occasions, making sure you really enjoy the best of it, rather than drinking being a habitual blur? This would surely alleviate any worries that your wife judges you in a similar way that she’s now judging party people and it may even increase your enjoyment of drinking when you do.

Or do you want to continue life as you are, because you didn’t sign up for cutting yourself off from the friends and colleagues you enjoy being with? Your lifestyle is likely to gradually evolve as people move on, the focus turns to love, moving into a more health-conscious, hopefully family-orientated phase of life with a greater depth of commitment.

I hear your concerns about your world shrinking now, and I wonder whether you fear further changes to your lifestyle if you have children? I want to reassure you that while having children will change your lifestyle completely, it doesn’t mean a complete sacrifice of who you are: I have many clients who still make space to express themselves in their worlds, whether with their old friends or with new local friends with similar values, histories or tastes in music.

Time away from being a parent is important for balance, though often the children’s best friends bring the adults together, or the parents who get on bring their children together and everyone benefits. Habitual partying will probably turn into more conscious partying over the years as many of your friends’ lives change focus, but there’s never a reason to abandon your soul. If you chat to your wife about how you’re feeling, I’m sure she too wouldn’t want you to lose a part of the person with whom she fell in love.