My wife got a £22,000 pay rise - she’s angry that I don’t want her to tell anyone

‘Fundamentally, I wonder if you believe that you and your wife are equal,’ says Kenny (Photo: Daniel de la Hoz/Getty)

You are not alone in feeling uncomfortable that your wife is earning more than you. Recent analysis from Sweden of 20,000 couples found that husbands are 11 per cent more likely to suffer from mental health issues and substance abuse if their wives are the higher earners. But just because others feel similarly, it doesn’t mean you are right, nor that your wife needs to come to her senses.

The issue here is your ego and historical, deeply entrenched ideas of roles played by men and women. As you say, you understand your wife’s promotion as a negative reflection on you and fear people questioning whether you can provide for your family or not. In fact, you’re expecting your wife to suppress her joy and pride in her career even though she has got a lot to celebrate.

Imagine if this situation were the other way around and instead of having a partner who feels proud of your successes and shares in your disappointments, she wants you to hide success in case it made her look bad. How would you judge her for letting her insecurities rob you of joy?

Fundamentally, I wonder if you believe that you and your wife are equal – and more broadly that women and men are both equal. Thinking of your future family: do you believe children you raise are equal, regardless of their gender?

Do you believe your wife is prioritising her career above family plans, or is your annoyance leading you to gather ammunition against her? It sounds like your attack is from evidence swirling around your mind, collected without properly communicating with her: for all you know, she believes you’re a team and she’s delighted with her pay rise which will lead to more maternity pay.

Do you have any idea why your wife didn’t tell you she was applying for a new job? It might be that she was scared of not getting it, but I’m wondering if it might be that she didn’t want to mention it in case you discouraged her from pursuing her career – and if, even before this promotion, she was conscious of her success putting her in an awkward position because of your insecurities.

I appreciate how easy it is to inherit the values of our extended family and not question whether we believe they are right or not. Now is an excellent time for you to question these values, before you embark on parenthood, so you’re making a conscious choice of how to be a family rather than replicating the past.

Do you feel you’re betraying your culture, community or own identity as a traditional man? Providing and protecting is a natural instinct: it makes us feel good, and gives us a sense of self and of our own importance. But providing and protecting isn’t merely a financial role; emotional security and stability are the most important things for children – and for your partner. Her promotion is giving you a chance to question whether those values from childhood might need updating.

In your extended family, the man was the main breadwinner. What was the situation in your wife’s family? In your relationship, your wife has taken on that role despite your offers to support her. To me, that suggests that having a career is important to her – perhaps it offers her fulfilment and enjoyment; perhaps it gives her a sense of worth; perhaps it helps her to feel secure. If you don’t speak and listen to each other’s views, you simply don’t know her motivation. It’s crucial you talk openly to your wife about this. Be open about your fear of judgment and your contribution to the family. I’m sure she will admire you for your honesty.

Ask her how she felt when you gave her the offer of supporting her if she wanted to give up work, as it might give you great insight into what motivates her career. I would also, kindly, explain that it was intended as a gift to give her freedom, rather than a way of clipping her wings and trapping her.

I would recommend you also chat about the balance you’d both like when you’re parents: does she want to scale back her career for children? Does she want to keep her career flying while being a parent? With your wife being the highest earner, does it make sense for you to take on more of a caregiving role during the early years?

I wonder if the thought of this might make you feel deeply uncomfortable because of the challenge to traditional roles. Is that discomfort because of your own values, or is it your parents’ values? How would you feel to spend less time working and more raising your family? Were your plans for her to be a stay-at-home mum?

Now she’s doing well, do you fear that you will need outside help to look after children, or that it will fall to you? Do you feel proud of what your wife is accomplishing in her career? She sounds like an inspirational woman working in the male-dominated technology industry – surely that’s worthy of celebration.

My concern is that unless you question and update your traditional values, you run the risk of stifling your wife. If, after communicating with your wife, you decide you don’t want to update your thinking, or are simply unable to, I’d urge you to be honest with your wife about the role you’d like her to play as a parent before you have children together.

There are many women who’d love not to work and dedicate their time to raising a family, but I strongly believe that limiting your partner’s career is misguided at best, controlling and sexist at worst.

I know many men who earn less than their wives, some who take great pride in the deep bonds they have with their children and understand the importance of their role at home because of their involvement in their lives as their caregiving is balanced with their partner; others who fear they are disposable because they are not the hero breadwinners. You don’t need me to tell you which of them have better relationships.

I’d urge you to collaborate rather than compete and become her biggest cheerleader; share her news and joy rather than shutting it down. This might feel uncomfortable at first – it can be hard to shake off our outdated thinking – but it will help create solid foundations for your family.

The love you and your wife share is a much stronger foundation for family life than any fear of outside judgment. Live your lives according to what’s best for you and your family, not what others may think. Hopefully, your extended family will respect your lifestyle; it might even cause them to question whether their values need an update too.