My partner won’t stop interrupting me and it’s driving me crazy

‘I feel like my partner isn’t listening because she never lets me finish’ (Photo: Getty Images)

How wonderful to have met someone curious, charismatic, kind and funny. And how annoying that she won’t let you finish a sentence.

Even though it’s normal and quite a buzz in some cultures to enthusiastically speak at the same time, for those who are not wired that way – and it seems this includes you – it can leave you feeling left out in the cold and wondering why you’re bothering. It might feel like you’re not being given the time and space to be heard and considered.

For me, I know that such interruptions have triggered my “inner headmaster” who tries to put people in their place and demand they behave and listen to me, with an authoritarian voice. I don’t think this is the best solution, though. I wonder what tone you use when you ask: “Please let me finish” or, “Can I continue with what I was saying?”

While I can’t know about your girlfriend’s intentions, in my experience with clients, constant interruptions rarely stem from a lack of regard for others, – more usually that they have never learnt how to really listen. I’m glad that you recognise it in your girlfriend as a sign of enthusiasm. Sometimes it’s a symptom of neurodivergence: people with ADHD often find it hard to restrain themselves from sharing their thoughts.

What I have learnt is that if I can invite the other person to stop, take a breath and stay with me in the conversation – knowing that they will have a turn to speak, but first I need to be heard – then I don’t get frustrated.

The way that I have successfully achieved this in my own relationships is to ask them for reflective listening. This means that before they say anything in response to what I’ve said, they reflect back to me what they think I’ve said, so I can feel heard. In turn, they can feel my engagement in the conversation, rather than frustration as I battle through their interruptions.

It’s an effective way of seeing the gaps between what we say and how they land with another person, who is receiving them through their own filter on the world. This slows a conversation down and can bring intimacy to any exchange. It requires you to actively listen and reflect back to your girlfriend her words too, which can stop any descent into pondering soliloquies or one partner completely monopolising the conversation.

It might be that you need a short, sharp line like: “I know how many ideas must be pinging in your head right now and I really want to hear them.”

I love that you see her curious mind: she needs to know this will be met by someone who appreciates her rather than someone in a headmaster role who’s behaving as if they’re telling off a child who doesn’t know what they’ve done wrong.

What I’ve learnt to do, both personally and professionally, is to take notes so I can stay present when I’m listening, rather than distracted by the things I need to remember, so I can really connect. If you offer her a pen and paper, so she can capture her thoughts while listening – because you don’t want to miss out on them – she’ll surely take it as a compliment. Then, when it’s her turn it can all pour out.

In a few of my men’s groups, where people have been really struggling not to interrupt, we’ve introduced a talking stick where whoever holds the stick is the only one to speak. However, this comes with a health warning: it is not to be wielded to control others, nor used as a way of dominating the conversation.

I’d also suggest that you recognise that with some conversations, or situations, her style of connecting might be more suited, or effective, than yours. As you mention, you’re more introverted: perhaps in larger groups, when the conversation is playful and joking, her quick connections add spark to the conversation. Can you learn anything from her style of chat?

My concern with this dynamic, where you feel constantly interrupted and your thoughts anticipated, is that you withdraw from conversations “for a quiet life”. I’ve seen this lead to many men’s withdrawal in partnerships. It’s all too easy to feel frustration and ultimately conclude that no one is listening, so why bother? I’ve seen too many relationships killed off by frustration, anger and ultimately withdrawal.

If you notice this reaction in yourself, I’d recommend that instead you try to be still and connect with her, inviting her to join you in your stillness, or pace breathing and sharing of words. If she is anticipating your answers I’d ask: “Is that what I think?” Then there’s space for her to find out what you do actually think – and space for you to change your opinions.

Hopefully, with open communication, you’ll be able to meet each other at different levels for both slow, deep conversations and animated ideas-led, creative chat. It is then that you’ll find out whether your girlfriend and you really are compatible.