I don't want to pay for my son's pointless media studies degree

‘The quickest way to create an anxious child is by trying to control their choices,’ says Kenny (Photo: Getty)

I want to acknowledge the great efforts that you and your wife have made, both to pull your son out of his shell, and in recognising his confidence and anxiety issues. This support, at such a crucial time, is so valuable in creating a secure base for your son. It’s clear how much you love him, want to protect him and make sure he can provide for himself.

It sounds like he’s now found friends and doesn’t want to let go of them, even at the cost of his original plans to study biology. I can’t blame him, if this is his first taste of popularity and he’s gained a sense of belonging, this might feel like the most important thing that’s happened in his life.

My main concern with this situation is that it escalates into a battle of wills. You want him to have relatively guaranteed prospects for the future, while he’s more concerned about having a connected and enjoyable life – and in his mind, holding onto his friends feels like a core part of that. Tension between the two of you can be damaging to your relationship, while exploring the issue together is more likely to lead to you both feeling happy, or at least reassured.

He’s unlikely to listen to your logic until you’ve listened to his emotions, so I’d encourage you to ask him about his choices. He might surprise you with more thought through reasoning than you’d anticipated. Take the time to listen and reflect back what he says, rather than jumping in to refute. Your judgement of his course as “pointless” indicates to me how against this you are.

Has your son developed an interest in media studies? Has he found an avenue that might develop into a successful career? Have you asked him about career options beyond this course and what he might be interested in pursuing? It might be worth exploring the current career landscape together for both biology and media graduates, particularly in light of the jobs crisis that is affecting Gen Z most acutely.

The world of work is transforming at an unprecedented rate, we’re starting to see AI change the career landscape and it is hard to predict how much that will have changed in the next five years. The most important thing, as your son approaches adulthood, is that he knows that you are there to listen as much as to offer wise counsel.
It sounds like your concern is partly that he’s now choosing to follow his friends’ path, rather than his own. Have you met your son’s friends? Has he? It sounds like these have been primarily online friendships, while university is an in-person experience. If he has not done so already I’d recommend him spending time with them face-to-face sooner rather than later, so your son can experience how they get on. While it sounds like they are a positive influence in his life – and there aren’t worrying signs of him withdrawing or becoming angry with the world – it is very different meeting people over screens compared with interacting in-person.

It is worth chatting to your son about how friendships evolve over the course of a lifetime, with some friends by your side for the duration, others coming and going through different seasons. What examples of friendship can you share with your son?

Whether or not he goes to university with his newfound friends, he’s likely to want to meet new people while studying for his degree. I’d recommend asking him how he made this current group of friends and how he can use that same confidence to meet more people. Talk about the qualities that are important in friends and ask what attracts him to others.

It is very difficult when paying the bills to step back from influencing your children’s choices, even as they are grown ups. But the alternative is to imagine your son following a path which his heart isn’t in simply to try and please you. I can feel from your letter how much you love your son and I’m sure that thought makes you feel very uncomfortable. It will also be unhelpful for his confidence, because he’s suppressing his own wishes to follow yours, which might lead to future resentment.

I’d also encourage him to get some work, whether that’s at weekends or in the evenings, so he can help contribute to the expenses of university. This is also a way of developing more friendships and enjoying a sense of camaraderie within the structure of a work environment, whether it’s a bar or cafe, a shop or call centre.

I firmly believe that university is a time for parents to let their children turn into whoever they want to be. It is a time to experiment and where a sense of identity evolves. Research shows how important stepping back is: the quickest way to create an anxious child is by trying to control their choices because they start to doubt that they can make successful decisions themselves. This seems particularly important given your son’s history of anxiety.

By having genuine faith in your son’s decisions – which might not be the same decision that you’d make in the same situation – and letting him explore and talk through alternatives, you’ll be helping him gain confidence. Remind him how much you love him for who he is and that you’re always there to offer support and advice.

A lot of degrees aren’t necessarily the best step into an industry, but do remember that people hire people they like and want to have around. A university degree is not only an opportunity for learning, but also an investment in developing one’s personality outside of the influences at home. It’s a time for your son to find his feet, but where the fall isn’t too far if he loses his footing. If he starts off by doing a degree that he doesn’t like, he most likely will be able to change within the first few months.

To know that you are on his side, unconditionally, and have faith in his decisions, will be the biggest confidence boost you can offer your anxious son.