Do talk to your children too and let them know how much you want to be more present for them and how important they are to you. It’s possible that they feel neglect or fear, as they’ve taken second place in your life to your drinking. 

I’d recommend you seek support from a trusted friend, relative, professional or men’s group with whom you can talk things out as you  stop drinking: someone you can open up to, share fears and feelings, exploring who you might be behind your memories and beyond this survival behaviour. Someone with whom you can be scared, angry, laugh and cry.  

This isn’t about fixing things, but letting memories and emotions – that once you’re not self-medicating – rise to the surface, so you can change your relationship to them. Doing this alone might feel overwhelming. 

While you’re breaking the habit of drinking these questions might arise: why and when did you choose to join the Forces? What’s behind the trauma you experienced in the military? How has your ability to give and receive love been affected? How has your sense of worth and purpose changed throughout the course of your life? 

Prepare your home, too. Clear out the alcohol and if you can, change the sofa you’ve been sleeping on, if not reposition it or put a throw over it. It’s worth considering if there’s more to why you’ve been sleeping on the sofa: I’ve known people to choose to sleep downstairs when they feel vulnerable, to guard the door and keep those around them safe. 

By changing your surroundings,  you’ll have fewer familiar triggers. What might help in your environment through the first, crucial stage of not drinking? An exercise bike, a punchbag, a room in which you can exercise and retreat? Does stopping drinking at home feel unachievable? If so, consider residential alcoholic clinics if you can, where you can break the habit and return to your newly-unfamiliar home environment. 

I’d recommend you don’t put pressure on yourself – your preparation ideally includes leeway: it’s harder to break a habit if one lapse means you consider yourself a failure and then justify your old habits. 

Plan times and ways you’ll engage with your family, whether Friday night dinner, Sunday lunches, walks or sports together. This will help to break the spell of you being one step removed, busy working, or drinking. Do you have friends and family from the past with whom you’d like to reconnect, too? 

Your experience in the military means you’ve got a unique lens on life. How would you change the world? Support for veterans is crucial but lacking: it’s shameful how many people who’ve chosen a self-sacrificing career end up homeless or with untreated mental health problems. You could contribute  to others’ wellbeing. Connection is the opposite of addiction, author Johann Hari concludes in his book Chasing The Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs. 

The camaraderie of the military is strong and you might be feeling lost without it. One former military client told me the closest he came to it was in the mosh pit; when anyone fell there’d be an arm to pick them up and they’d carry on leaping. Another, who I contacted when you got in touch, says that while veteran groups can provide connection, he’s not always convinced they’re conducive for life “outside” and cautions that conversation often revolves around alcohol and mutual mockery. “While creating a place of ‘safety’, they sometimes have an undercurrent of us vs. them, civvies vs. ex forces,” he told me. 

You’re not alone in this. You’re already addressing your relationship with alcohol. You can create a safe space for thoughts and feelings. By facing what you’ve been suppressing, you can show compassion to yourself, make peace with your past and start truly engaging in life.