I think my girlfriend is cheating, so I check her phone in secret

‘Checking your girlfriend’s phone is illegal and is considered stalking checking your girlfriend’s phone,’ says Kenny (Photo: RgStudio/Smiljana Aleksic/ Getty Images)

The only way to get out of this habit is to stop checking your girlfriend’s phone without her permission, which is actually illegal and is considered stalking, regardless of your relationship.

This, however, doesn’t deal with your fear that she’s cheating on you, nor your justifications that she might be because she did with her previous partner, as her mother did in her youth too.

What I’m hearing from your words is that you’re looking for love. Maybe your compulsive checking is a quest to make sure it’s safe to open yourself up to such a strong emotion, rather than protecting yourself from potential pain.

The checking isn’t working, though. Even intruding into her online world isn’t making you feel secure. This is most probably because the problem isn’t external, but is going on in your mind.

I’m struck that you seem to almost expect your future to include betrayal. I wonder whether you, or someone close to you, has been hurt similarly – either romantically, or by close friends or colleagues? Have you ever felt betrayed? Exploring your feelings around fidelity and loyalty might cast a light on how your past is influencing your present.

Whether you continue in this relationship, or for any future relationships, I’d recommend that you work on learning to quiet your mind rather than feeding the blazing fires of insecurity.

It feels to me that you have a certain amount of misery going on, both with your thoughts and feelings and by feeling murky for intruding on her privacy and fearing being in trouble if you’re caught. At the moment, you’re living a life of fear.

You don’t have the power to control anyone’s actions, but you do have the power to change your relationship to trust and self-belief. Our sixth sense is invaluable; our instincts serve to protect us. But it seems that your spidey senses are in overdrive, scanning the far distance for potential threats that may amount to nothing. It can work like hypochondria: everyone knows that there is the potential to develop health problems but only some of us spend time worrying about it – given worrying won’t prevent illness or infidelity, it just stops us from living, and loving, in the present.

Mindfulness can be very helpful with this. When you catch your mind running away with a situation, take a moment to take a deep breath and ground yourself in the here and now, where you’re safe.

Acknowledge that your mind is whirring, and remind yourself that it’s trying to protect you. Then, rationalise: is there a threat incoming? Could your imagination be on overdrive? Some people find noting the thought and deciding to deal with it later is a good way to separate fact from fiction, telling themselves something like: ‘My mind is whirring. It’s trying to protect me, but I am already safe. It’s working very hard for me and if it doesn’t settle itself, I’ll give this worry my deliberate thought in an hour, or at the end of the day, or this time tomorrow.’

Explore this murky feeling you experience: is it something that you have felt in your childhood that has nothing to do with relationships, where perhaps you stole sweets or lied to keep yourself out of trouble, or were two-faced to uphold family secrets?

Dig into your murky feelings: get to know yourself and where this is coming from. That might include a strange excitement with the danger of being caught. It might help relieve you of this bad habit, and make peace with your insecurity.

I understand that your partner has previously been unfaithful. I think you need to be honest with yourself about this: is it her past that’s affecting your security, or is it something in you that you’re bringing to the situation? If she hadn’t been unfaithful, would you find trusting her easier? Have you found it easier to trust previous partners or is this a pattern in your relationships?

I wonder why she told you about her infidelity. Is your relationship similar to that with her ex? Do you fear that history will repeat itself? Or, in her story of infidelity, has she given you clear clues about what did and didn’t work for her in a relationship – and what she wouldn’t like to repeat with you?

You mention your girlfriend’s mother had affairs: do you have any insight as to why? Do you know of any stresses and strains that your own parents might have experienced through their relationship? When you were growing up, did you side with one parent as “good” and the other as “bad”? Could this be playing out in your present relationship?

As I see it, you have three options to tackle this situation. The first two involve a frank conversation with your girlfriend. Explain how you worry she’s cheating on you: not so she can reassure you but to stop it pinballing around your head, so it’s a part of your relationship.

Number one, you confess to your girlfriend you’ve been checking her phone, tell her why with clarity of your needs and feelings – and deal with the consequences.

Number two, change your habits and stop snooping on her phone. Don’t mention your previous behaviour, but keep the focus of your chat about your fears and insecurities – and where they come from.

Either way, don’t accuse, or she’ll feel she has to counter attack or defend and don’t put her in the position to take responsibility for your emotions. But be straightforward, share your vulnerability and your wish for things to work out.

This may well be a make or break conversation, where you get to explain that you need to feel safe to be free to love – and how important she is in your life. If it doesn’t work out in the long run you know you gave it your best shot.

You’ll know what love and vulnerability feel like, those parts of you will be alive for you to share in your next relationship. Have you considered the option of asking her how she’d feel if both of you know each other’s passwords and can use each other’s phones? This is then an agreement in the name of transparency, trust and love, rather than theft.

The third option is to avoid the issue. If the protection mechanism in you, that has kicked in so strongly is there for a reason, if your instincts are – on some level – telling you not to trust your girlfriend and you feel that it’s about this relationship specifically, then perhaps it’s time you and your girlfriend had a broader conversation about your intentions in the relationship itself and where you see your futures.

If you can’t imagine the temptation to check another partner’s phone or doubting another partners’ trustworthiness, then perhaps your girlfriend isn’t the person with whom to work out any trust issues you may have.

If you feel miserable with doubt and this isn’t a pattern you’ve ever observed about yourself previously, you may be sabotaging your relationship because you feel scared to take the courageous option and end things. I wonder how you feel about the idea of her catching you so she ends it: would you feel more in control and life feel more settled?