I’m worried spending Christmas with my ex and her new family will break me

‘You might no longer be part of a standard two parent nuclear family, but you are an important member of a blended family,’ says Kenny (Photo: Getty/Miljan Lakic)

What a lot of weight this Christmas invitation carries. I admire your honesty about yourself and your previous behaviour towards your family. It’s heartening that despite your struggles, your daughter has remained the light at the centre of your life and that you and your ex have remained good friends.

It is clear to me that it is your love for your daughter that means you’re considering spending Christmas with your ex wife and her new partner. I understand this could feel agonising to you and I want to reassure you that you can say no. Whether you choose to join your daughter on Christmas Day or celebrate with her before or after the 25th, you can show her love, stability and security – the most solid foundations for future family life.

Your ex’s invitation to you is a gesture of love to your daughter. I would also see it as a positive gesture towards you, signalling your continued role at the heart of her family.

However, it’s important that in making the decision of whether to accept, you examine your feelings and your likely reaction. You say that you want to make an excuse because you’re worried you won’t be able to cope when you see your ex wife playing happy families. This is understandable: it’s a relatively recent divorce, your feelings must still be raw and it sounds like you’re working hard to understand yourself and the decisions you made when your daughter was a baby, through therapy.

Try to step into the reality of what Christmas Day might be for you, for your daughter, her mother, partner and extended family – and the real emotions you might experience. If it feels too much, give yourself some grace and know you have the option to decline for this year.

Your daughter’s dream of being with both her parents at Christmas would rather, I have no doubt, be filled with smiles rather than sadness. If you feel that there’s a risk of you crumpling, then you might be wiser to wait until you feel more stable and peaceful within yourself, so you can re-engage with your wife’s family and meet your daughter’s new extended family.

Depending on how you all get on, you can choose whether you want to gradually include them as your extended family, too.

If you decline, you are saying no to your daughter, and my heart goes out to you for how this might feel for you. The alternative is to examine whether you might be able to create an experience that doesn’t expose you to too much pain, while also being present on Christmas Day for your daughter. You might want to be there for an hour, to be with your daughter and say hello to everyone, or you might want to be there for the meal.

You might want to make a second plan for the day, whether volunteering at a local charity, taking part in a parkrun or meeting up with a friend. These might also feel a world away from your present mindset, and if so, maybe resolving to take a walk, watch a film, do something for yourself that you enjoy, would be more realistic.

Whether or not you feel you are able to see your daughter, I believe there are some important things to do this year.

Firstly, make a plan to spend some time exclusively with her, so you can relax and enjoy each other without the pressures that will come with seeing your ex. I wonder what magical outings you could share with her?

Secondly, you talk about your daughter potentially worrying about you if you’re not there. I understand your concerns: she’s a child and shouldn’t feel responsible for adult happiness. In the short term, if you have the strength, start to make plans with people over the Christmas period so she can see that you are rebuilding your life. If this feels out of reach for now, then give yourself grace: it is the long-term rebuilding of your life that will prevent her feeling responsible for you.

I would also take this opportunity to have a radically honest conversation with your ex-wife. Have you apologised and explained the situation with your new understanding gained through therapy? Never underestimate the strength of saying sorry.

I think it’s important to acknowledge her thoughtfulness in inviting you for Christmas, and I would recommend that you’re honest that you’re worried it might feel hard because you’re only in the initial stages of rebuilding your life. Ask her about her needs and wishes for the day, and be open about your own. Reassure her you don’t plan to drink, if this was the source of some of your tensions. Tell her you’re worried your daughter will feel responsible for you, so you can work together to lift those concerns from your daughter’s shoulders. It’s clear that you both love your daughter and are acting in her best interests.

You also write that you’re ashamed of showing your face in front of some of your ex’s family. Whether or not you see them on Christmas Day, I’d recommend that you get in touch and make your peace, whether by writing a Christmas card or by phone call. I would also make sure that you bring token gifts, whether it’s plants, flowers, chocolates, either in person or by dropping them with your ex before Christmas Day, as a gesture of goodwill.

You might no longer be part of a standard two parent nuclear family, but you are an important member of a blended family. While initially this might mean navigating more complicated emotions, it is heartening to see how this can evolve positively.

Over the course of years, resentment, distrust or jealousy towards a new partner can turn to respect, friendship and admiration for their parenting – and genuine love. This might not be the life you’d pictured a decade ago, but it is one filled with love between you and your daughter. You, your ex-wife and her partner have the responsibility – and utter privilege – of making not just Christmas magical, but her entire childhood as love-filled as possible. I don’t doubt for one moment that you will do exactly this.