Boarding schools are not always the best options for a child or a family (Photo: Getty Images)

It’s wonderful to hear that you both want the best for your son and that you’re prioritising your quality of life and quality of relationships. I’m afraid I disagree that one must lose and one will win, for surely this is for the good of every member of your family.

It sounds like you have at least two decisions regarding your future to make here. While they are entwined, it might be useful to consider them separately, because it strikes me there are changes you’d like to make, whatever decisions about your futures your family comes to.

One decision is your son’s schooling. I understand how difficult it is to make choices such as secondary schooling on behalf of children. It will shape your son’s teenage experience and his future: I admire that you’re giving it the consideration it deserves.

Many of my clients have found themselves paralysed into indecision from responsibility – and particularly the fear of making a mistake – when faced with choices on behalf of their children, although of course not making any choice is itself a decision and school choices are not irreversible.

In your case, it sounds as if both you and your wife have taken different stances. Some people believe the only place to get a good education is at boarding school. I don’t believe this to be true, although rather than arguing the point, I’d encourage you to research which schools – including state, boarding, grammars or private day schools – are gaining the results that you’re looking for.

Your son is at the heart of this decision, and it’s important to consider his temperament and strengths, and think which of those options might bring out the best in him, both socially and academically, as he grows through his teenage years. Would he suit a school that promotes the arts, sports, extra curricular activities? Individual state and private schools have different strengths. I’m guessing that because of your long commute, it’s your wife who is the primary caregiver: she may know his fears and outlook on life more deeply than you currently have opportunity to. Either way, speak with your son, calmly and gently, and really listen to his words.

Your son will soon be hitting puberty, exploring friendships, boundaries, sexuality, and wondering what on earth is going on with his body. Do you wish to gently guide him through this, or is this something you feel you’d rather delegate to an institution or organisation that you feel might be better equipped? Were teenage rite of passage conversations avoided in your childhood? How open and healthy is your current relationship with your son, and how would you like it to develop – especially in these years before he prioritises time with his friends?

I’d recommend you and your wife draw up a shortlist of schools, both those in good catchments and boarding, and keep open minds. Visit the shortlisted schools with your son, listening to his needs, fears and feedback to see how he feels about them. Is he excited by the idea of boarding school, could he be a day boy, or is he reluctant to leave home?

When considering your son’s schooling, it’s important that you both consider his community, which is vitally important in a child’s life, as we’re all shaped by our environments. In the experience of many of my clients, boarding school friendships frequently last a lifetime. However, these friendships tend to straddle a very narrow cross section of society, so it’s important to make sure your son has deep roots in the wider community where you live, too.

How well have you engaged with your community? How well do you know the area that your wife is suggesting you move to? How much time do you have, beyond your work and your family. What do you enjoy doing with your time, and who do you connect with beyond those major roles? It’s easy for me to recommend spending more time with your family and community, and I’m sure you’ll say you don’t have the time because of working and commuting, but I wonder what can shift.

The question of schooling fits into a broader question of how you and your wife both see the future of your family, as individuals as well as a collective. If you and your wife explore the future, thinking of the next five, 10 and 20 years, you might find a plan naturally emerges and things gracefully fall into place. If not, it’s likely to bring up both individual and collective lifestyle dreams that each of you might wish to explore. What are your needs, what are her needs and where do they meet?

This also opens up the question of your wife’s role. Does your wife have plans on how to spend the time that becomes free as children become teenagers? How comfortable does she feel sacrificing daily time with your son if he goes to boarding school? Wherever you move to, are there community roles that she would be excited by, or would she want to spend more time working herself?

The other major decision is related to your work. Irrespective of where you move, I wonder how many more commuting months or years you truly have left in you. I respect how much travelling you’ve done so far to support your family, and I wonder whether you’ve considered asking for more flexibility from your employer? Modern, post-pandemic times have forced employers to respect the family needs of their staff, particularly fathers, which is a relatively new thing. Depending on your role, your physical presence might not be necessary daily: have you considered working remotely? It might be possible to work from home or from a local shared office space, at least some of the time.

If this isn’t an option, would you consider cutting down your working hours? You might find a four- or three-day week gives you more balance, regardless of where you end up living and the schooling option you settle on. I appreciate that you may feel your career is on a positive trajectory, but slowing things down might be one way to make the time with your family that you’re hoping for while you’re still young. We don’t have to be confined to outdated work structures and often the biggest limitation to work lives is ourselves.

I respect the financial support you’ve been providing for your family. I’d also encourage you to consider if you can live beyond the rat race and bring love home to your family as well as the bacon.

It’s worth you and your wife taking the space to let these ideas swirl in your mind, taking time to consider everyone’s needs and taking the pressure off. Resist the opportunity to prematurely make decisions on behalf of your son. The more you can explore choices and decisions together, and imagine how you both want your future to be, the more likely you are to experience an outcome where everyone wins.