Is it fair to leave your children different amounts depending on their stage in life? (Photo: Getty)

Leaving a will so often feels like throwing the cat amongst the pigeons. So I’m relieved you’re addressing this situation, rather than avoiding it, because letting your children find out once you’ve passed on is, at best, confusing. At worst, it can become grounds for a battle long after you’re gone, which is not the emotional inheritance you want to leave to your children.

How do your children get on with each other? It sounds as if there’s a lot of love and care as you’re all still choosing a big, special family holiday together. How were you all impacted by the death of their mother? Such tragedy can pull families together and remind them what matters.

Even if they’re not in touch all the time, you might find that they both offer each other invaluable emotional support and remain close. Whatever their relationship, I recommend you get them together to talk your wishes through, so they understand your thoughts. This is such an important thing for families to do, whatever the intended split in finances, and to me feels like a crucial part of making sure your legacy isn’t marred with unanswered questions or unfinished business from the past.

Deeper than your will, this is a wonderful opportunity to have a broader conversation as a group of adults to untangle old family dynamics or lay to rest any misunderstandings they may carry from their childhoods. To reminisce. Importantly, for you to express your pride in your children and make sure they feel seen, approved of and blessed by their father. Rather than restricting this to a conversation centred around money, make it about your family values.

It is perfectly valid for you to express how you wish your values to continue after your death in the ways your children lead their lives and support one another – and the contributions you wish to make to their lives with your inheritance. It isn’t fair to expect your children to feel any obligation to live their lives according to how you see fit, though. I’d recommend emphasising their freedom in this, as it will show them your respect for them as their adults with their own values.

When it comes to finances, ask your children to be open – and be open to being surprised yourself. It may be that, if you’re not used to talking to them about finances, that you learn a lot. I feel that you wish to spread goodness and reduce some of the stress your daughter feels in life, while it sounds like your son’s doing well financially, whether he feels that way or not. But it might be that you find your son’s much larger house comes with a much larger mortgage, and I wonder how financially stable he actually is. Understanding more about their financial lives may lead you to question your decision.

A survey in 2021 showed that 16 per cent of people in the UK aren’t planning to split their wealth equally between their children. The two main reasons were: firstly, people taking into account each child’s financial circumstances and, as you wish, leaving more inheritance to their child or children who are struggling most. Secondly, where often one child was taking the role of major caregiver in later life, chose their split because of how much time and care they’d been given particularly by one child. Just over two thirds of people – 68 per cent – planned to divide assets evenly, while others were unsure.

I wonder how your son feels about his sister working so hard and whether he has compassion for her? He might surprise you and support your wishes to support her; he might even suggest it himself. Or do you feel your son might feel angry and hard done by, or your daughter might feel embarrassed and unable to receive? It also might reveal any latent feelings around unfairness or favouritism that featured in your son’s childhood, which you can address and have a chance to put to rest by talking about your thinking behind the decision in person.

It might be sobering for both of your children to gain an insight into each other’s lives, each other’s relationship to money and each other’s values. Giving them an insight into your life when you were their age and managing money and family needs – what went on behind the scenes when they were children – can be very constructive. By lovingly sharing your wishes as part of a bigger conversation, rather than approaching this with fear and expecting conflict, you might find it’s a key financial and emotional education chat that’s held dearly in your children’s memories.

I wonder whether you’ve also considered giving your daughter a hand in life now, when it sounds like she might benefit from it more keenly. Sharing your wealth with your children earlier on also comes with tax benefits. I found it very moving to hear that the family holiday was important enough to your daughter to increase her mortgage so you could all be together. I wonder whether there might have been another way of manifesting this holiday money, including asking you for a loan, because the terms tend to be kinder than paying it off for potentially 30 years.

Rather than dismissing your son because he’d never consider doing something similar, it might be worth considering whether his relationship to money is more fearful. If he has a sense of scarcity, or that money could easily run out, it might be especially important for him to need to feel financially safe. You might consider where this stems from – were there ever times in their childhood when you or their mother had a sense of scarcity surrounding money? Can you give him a fuller understanding of that time now he’s an adult?

Once your decisions about the split in inheritance are clear in your mind, drawing up the will is straightforward. If you are a member of a trade union, they often offer a free will writing service. If your assets, including your home, might be worth more than £500,000 it is worth speaking to a financial advisor who can help keep inheritance tax costs to a minimum for your children.

Death, money and sex tend to still be taboo subjects within families. By tackling two out of three of these openly and directly (don’t feel you need to get to the third: I’m not sure anyone really wants a sex chat with their parents) you will prepare your children far more effectively than simply leaving them a gift in your will, especially one that without context and understanding might elicit more questions from your children than answers.