My wife is 40 and wants a third child – but I can’t go back there

_{22 Apr 2024}

"My partner is 40 and wants a third child. Our youngest is starting school this September and I’m looking forward to moving onto the next stage of parenting. I thought she was too, but over the past month she’s been saying she’s feeling broody.

I don’t want to go back to the beginning again – I’m enjoying nights out and having more fun together again, reliable sleep, the toddler tantrums being over. It would be a real struggle financially to have another child: I work full-time and my partner works part-time running her own business, which is a help, but like everyone, we’re feeling the pinch.

For me, it would add strain to our relationship – which is usually strong and supportive. We’ve both become defensive about it – and in the heat of a row she suggested we might not have a future if I won’t consider her needs."

Marcus

‘Many parents have mixed feelings as their parenting role evolves,’ says Kenny (Photo: PixelsEffect/ Getty)

What a transition, moving from very young children into the schooling years. I want to acknowledge the change you and your partner are about to go through. I wonder whether at some level there’s shock at both a phase in life – and a specific role of parents of pre-schoolers – coming to an end.

Many parents have mixed feelings as their parenting role evolves, which happens many times throughout their children’s lives: some feel relief that their children are moving to the next stage, pride and joy over the young people they’re developing into, a sense of loss and grief that something’s coming to an end. It’s likely that both you and your partner are experiencing a mix of emotions, and that they don’t currently mirror each other’s – which is perfectly normal, you’re both individuals.

It sounds as if your partner is feeling grief, and it’s likely that she will feel the impact of this more sharply than you: while you work full-time, she works part-time and has probably spent more weekdays with the children. It’s possible that she’s questioning who she is without her familiar role and what she will do in the hours that your children are at school.

I’d recommend that you diffuse the tension in this situation and take the time, together, to consider both of your needs. It sounds like she feels like she’s being shut down: while suggesting that your relationship might have no future might feel like an unhealthy way to shut down a conversation on her part, I wonder if it was said in frustration because she didn’t feel heard or acknowledged.

Is it part of your personality to consider her needs and the needs of others, or are you more inclined to fix things rather than sitting in the vulnerable chaos of emotions? Maybe you want to make it okay; maybe things are already okay, but she just needs to be heard. It’s a great sign of maturity to be able to witness the pain of others: your partner, mother, children. Part of the process of development is to learn to not take others’ emotions personally and accept your own vulnerability when others are emotional, supporting rather than stepping in.

This is where you really need to listen: throw yourself in at the deep end and invite her to chat about everything that she’s been thinking. Do your best to truly hear, highlighting back to her what she says so she is clear that you are truly listening.

Let her explore this possibility of a third child and this broodiness that she’s feeling. I’d suggest being open to it as a possibility to explore for yourself, too.

Take time to discover what’s behind those needs for your partner and whether the broodiness is coming from a sense of longing, or grieving, or from somewhere else. Children bring different things to different people: some find a sense of purpose, for others it’s about pure love, which with very young children is very physical as they crawl over you for hugs.

I wonder if, at the age of 40, she’s feeling a sense of time pressure if you both decide you want another child. She might also feel a sense of pressure if close friends are having another child and she wants to feel part of the community.

Once you’ve taken the time to listen to her, discuss the realities of having a third child. I’d urge you not to try to come to a decision immediately but take time to think over a few weeks – or probably longer. As a busy family, I’d recommend scheduling in a time to chat regularly and check in with how each other are feeling.

In time, ask her to consider your feelings too. Instead of vague financial concerns, maybe bring real life situations to your partner so she understands what this really means for your lives as a family, currently of four, and you can make a choice together – gradually – with your eyes wide open. Consider the emotional and mental pressures of a third child, as well as the financial impact on your lifestyle.

I’d recommend making sure you talk to your own support network about the situation, whether that’s a couple of close friends, a men’s group, someone you trust at work, and share your feelings so they’re not so charged. Then, when you sit with your partner you can come from a place of open-hearted stability rather than apprehensive anxiety.

If you can support your partner and allow her to safely share her emotions, fears, dreams, love, confusion – and everything else she might be feeling, and to explore together who she is and what is best for your family, I’m sure the strength of your relationship will help you through the gradual letting go as your children become more independent.

Also, take the time to keep enjoying those newly rediscovered nights out together: what did you used to do that you’d like back in your lives? I’m sure that you’ve both changed as you’ve been raising two children, and you might have new interests separately or together that you’d like to explore more. Support your partner’s work, whether it’s listening to her or helping out: does she have plans to grow her business? This might ignite her passion for contribution and creative expression.

You might find that by listening to your partner’s feelings, you become closer to each other rather than defensive. Ultimately, your partner might want another child and you may or may not decide together that this would be beneficial for your family. But it’s also very possible that more than another child, she needs her partner alongside her so she can grieve the end of an era.

My wife is 40 and wants a third child – but I can’t go back there

22 Apr 2024

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