My daughter-in-law is a money-grabber and my son is a wimp

‘Encouraging caring communication between your son and daughter-in-law is key,’ says Kenny (Photo: PixelsEffect/ Getty)

What a strong term money-grabbing is and how interesting that this side of her, that you find so unpleasant, has only come to light since she’s had children. It sounds very uncomfortable for your son, too, so much so that he squirms and wants to leave the room.

Rather than being distracted by your daughter-in-law’s cringeworthy hints, maybe it’s time for your son, or you, to ask what’s behind this. I feel it would be kinder to help her feel safe so she doesn’t need to be grabby, verging on greedy, which risks her becoming “the enemy”.

It’s interesting to me that your son seems to be playing a passive role. It sounds as if he hasn’t had a private conversation with her to explain his discomfort when she talks this way, nor, importantly, to find the root cause.

I’d recommend that you have a conversation with your son. Find out about their financial situation. Are they in need? Is your daughter-in-law voicing concerns because their family is struggling? Maybe they’re finding the cost of living a stretch and your son has buried his head in the sand while she’s trying to hold it together. Maybe they’ve made mistakes with money. Maybe she feels insecure about the future. You won’t know until you ask, but you might find they’d appreciate guidance and support so they understand how to manage their finances. Have you shared your experiences of juggling time, money and love with a young family?

I think it’s important that you let your son know you’ve noticed how awkward he looks when she hints and reassure him that he need not feel uncomfortable in front of you. Explain that you respect that she’s a mother who wants the best for her children, and this is one of the ways she ensures she gets their fair share – irrespective of whose money it happens to be.

Gently ask your son what he feels might be behind this. Was there any hardship or tragedy that she or her family might have been through? Often when it comes to money insecurities, particularly those projected through children, it is a fear or suffering from the past that she doesn’t want her children to suffer. Sometimes it is easier to be kind when we understand why someone, who you describe as a good woman, is behaving in a way that we find so distasteful.

I’d also recommend talking to your son about communication with his partner and asking him, gently, why he hasn’t chatted about this with her. Is he leaving it between her and you, as the family patriarch? Do you feel this is your role? Is he worried about conflict with his wife? Is their relationship struggling more broadly? He might appreciate you chatting about his reticence.

It’s also worth you questioning why you find your daughter-in-law’s mentions of money as unpleasant as you do. Is it that you think she sees you as a pot of money rather than loves you as a person; is it that you find all talk of money distasteful; is it that you see her as taking liberties because she’s a more distant family than your sons? Perhaps in your family, money is rarely discussed while in her family, it’s an open and jokey topic.

I’d invite you to consider her comments in the context of her broader relationship with you: when she’s not making these comments, do you have a strong relationship? What is your role in her life and her children’s life? Does she have a dad who is present? Are you that figure for her?

As for the jokes about leaving a fair share of money: rather than withdrawing, or thinking you’re not going to dignify her with a response, I wonder about reassuring her that you have every intention of providing for the grandchildren fairly and that you love them all? It might seem obvious to you but it sounds like she needs reassurance. I suspect she’s only continuing because she doesn’t feel heard – and I very much hope, for all your sakes, that this might put an end to those awkward moments.

Finally, the £10,000 you’d like to give – what a generous gesture. I believe that if your son isn’t in immediate need, then it would be much wiser to help the tension here shift before you do so, so it’s done with love and is an open-handed gift, rather than a prickly or conditional gesture, which might lead to resentment on both sides.

Encouraging caring communication between your son and daughter-in-law is key so she feels safe to share her anxieties. Only if he is reluctant to confront the situation himself would I consider modelling this for him, and when she next makes a joke reassure her and ask about the source of her anxieties from a position of care and support, rather than discomfort.

I hope, for all your sakes, that once she’s identified where they’re coming from, the whole family can breathe a sigh of relief. In the meantime, stick the money in an ISA and hopefully you’ll be able to pass it over when the time is right.