I respect women so why can't I stop staring at them in the street?

The anonymous reader wants to know about his looking at younger women – and worrying about his wife finding out (Photo: Donald Iain Smith/Getty Image)

Let’s be clear here. There is a huge difference between noticing beauty and being a creep.

Humans are programmed to be drawn to beauty: even very young babies prefer looking at attractive faces, for example. Maybe the laws of nature and “the golden ratio” come into it, where a particular arrangement and proportion of facial features are more attractive to the human eye.

Your wife probably notices when an extremely attractive woman or man walks past, too. But, as you’ve already alluded to, anything that makes others feel discomfort – whether that’s the woman you’re looking at, the woman you’re with, or both – isn’t respectful. Page Three was stopped for a reason; #Me Too happened for a reason. If you’re ogling, lusting and fantasising, you’re probably in creepy territory.

I’m struck that this seems to be something you’ve noticed about yourself recently and that it coincides with a waning sex life with your wife. Can you cast your mind back: did you not really notice women at all previously, or did you notice them but they didn’t set your mind wandering?

What has happened – or not happened – in your life to lead to less sex? Is it something that you feel ashamed about, or do you fear that she no longer finds you attractive, or vice- versa? Have you just fallen out of the habit of intimacy and sexuality, or has the intensity of parenting over the past years made it hard to create the time to enjoy expressions of sexual intimacy?

I would suggest that now is a good time to put more energy into your relationship with your wife. This is likely to strengthen the bond between you – and I suspect that once your focus (literally and figuratively) is back on her, you’re likely to find that women who catch your eye simply recede into becoming attractive women, rather than anything more challenging to you.

Make time to focus on each other, both physically and in terms of enjoying each other’s company. Chat with your wife about sex: what do you like about your sex life? What does your wife enjoy? Where is it lacking? What might either one or both you like to explore, knowing that you can stop on the utterance of a word?

Do address why you both feel sex is becoming less frequent between you – and how frequently you would ideally like sex, as well as what time, day or situation you’re at your horniest. Some couples find they have sex less frequently in their forties as hormones start declining for both men and women and they are completely happy with it, but I get the impression this isn’t the case for you.

Intimacy and frequency aren’t directly linked when it comes to sex, but if either – or both – of you are feeling disconnected then it is vitally important to talk to each other about it. How does your wife feel? How do you feel about the way your wife feels? Has sex been a “joint venture”, or has it been lop-sided with one calling the shots, doing all the “work” or always wanting more? This might just be the ideal time to press reset on your sexual self-awareness and expressions of intimacy, before things – including your mind and online habits – go astray.

For many people, middle age is a time to enjoy greater intimacy: sex might become less about stamina and gymnastics and more about deeper emotional connection. People say life begins at 40: I found that self-acceptance began at 40, which, for some, brings with it personal exploration. You’ve been together for over 20 years: your hormones, libido and energy will have all changed in that time. Maybe it’s time for you to find more depth with your sensuality.

Are there things your wife and you have always wanted to explore and express but haven’t because you’ve got into – or out of – a routine? Explore whether it’s time for both of you to introduce new habits in your sex life, whether that’s scheduling time for sex, slowing things down and simplifying naked time together, or on the other hand introducing toys, exploring fantasies or even opening your relationship up.

Why do you think your wife would be disappointed that you notice attractive women? After all, you probably noticed how attractive she was when you first met her. Chat with her about this and ask her who or what she notices and find attractive – and why. I’d recommend honesty and sharing your concerns – you might find insights into her inner world are enlightening.

It’s interesting that you mention younger women: I wonder whether there’s a part of your psyche that’s somehow stuck in your youth? This can happen if this was an especially exciting part of your life, or if you feel like you missed out from enjoying those years because you believed at the time you had little to offer or felt the sting of rejection. Men who are attracted to younger women frequently have some unfinished business from that era that needs to be talked and felt through.

It might also be happening to you now because you’ve become aware that you are no longer young yourself: you’re the next generation and these women represent a carefree, hedonistic freedom that’s no longer part of your life – or that you feel you missed out on.

If you’re letting yourself escape into fantasy about younger women and are concerned about it, I’d take a moment to temper it with a dose of reality: while there are some wonderful love stories of different ages falling deeply in love, there are also many tales of generational divides, lost cultural references and a huge pressure to keep up with someone.

You say you’re becoming the type of man you deplore. Who is this type of man? Does this remind you of anyone specific in your life? Do they have any aspects that you could embody without selling out on your sense of self-respect and respect for other people – and your better nature? Would you like to be more masculine? More playful? I ask this because suppressing parts of our personalities is rarely effective. Instead, these parts of our personality have a tendency to rise to the surface whether we like it or not, often in an uncontrolled way. If we embrace them, rather than living in denial, it’s often the most effective way of both making peace with ourselves and balancing out our personalities.

I’d also recommend that you take some time to think of your male role models when you were growing up? How did they behave towards women? Also, the opposite – who didn’t you want to be like, or seen to be like?

Please reassure yourself with the fact that by being concerned about this, and wishing to address it, you’re showing non creepy signs.

As a final note of caution: if you’re looking at women behind your sunglasses, I’d caution that people can probably see a lot more than you realise about where you’re looking. It’s a lesson I learnt myself.