I'm attracted to my wife's best friend - I think she feels the same

Our reader is flirting with his wife’s best friend (Photo: Westend61/Getty)

It’s interesting you say you don’t think you would ever do anything, while in my books, you already have. You are having a secret relationship with this woman behind your wife’s back where you send each other flirty messages; those daily coffees sound like dates. Whether L is deliberately walking around in a short towel doesn’t matter – you think she is.

So rather than doing anything, I suggest that instead you undo this flirtatious relationship immediately. There’s no sexual indiscretion but this sounds like it’s bordering on an emotional affair.

I recommend you first have a conversation with L, rather than your wife, where you can clearly state that from now on you’d rather not be alone with her in the house because your work isn’t getting done, and that you suggest she chooses a co-working space or café to base herself in the day. This gives her clarity with boundaries and shows you’re mature enough not to be seduced by attention.

While sending funny Instagram videos is harmless, it’s where it’s progressed to – that you know your wife would see as a betrayal – that is problematic. I recommend that you’re clear with L, say it doesn’t feel right to you to be messaging privately but set up a group chat that includes your wife so everything’s public.

It’s clearly time for you to have physical boundaries and cut out the touchy behaviour. Let her know that you feel uncomfortable about it and only want your wife to be touching you in that way.

I think you’d be doing L a great kindness by asking her about her plans to move out and suggesting she finds a space of her own to grieve her catastrophic break-up. Avoiding her own loss by flirting with you is doing no one any favours and is a sure-fire route to losing a friendship to compound her loss.

If she is unforthcoming on timelines, politely suggest you would like it to be within weeks rather than months. The clarity of your communication will surely let her know it’s time for her to start focusing on her own life, rather than gaining validation and confidence from you.

It sounds like you’ve been treating work like a couple of single people flirting around the photocopier. I wonder what this has brought alive in you? I bet on some level it feels good and flattering. I think it’s important you question why you’ve been so easily tempted. Is there something missing in your relationship with your wife? Can you channel this flirty energy that’s been building up in your home into your relationship? How do you feel about working remotely? Is this proving a distraction from isolation from other adults?

Your letter gives me no suggestion that your relationship with your wife has previously felt unfulfilling, so be careful what you do with this energy you’re feeling between you and L. Unless you feel the relationship with your wife isn’t right anyway and you think this woman might be better suited for the rest of your life, I wouldn’t entertain the idea of playing with any more fire. But to be frank, I don’t get the feeling that you’re thinking with your heart or your head in this situation.

I suspect you’re also asking me here whether you should be confessing to your wife over this double betrayal? I wonder how you feel about her showing her best friend kindness, and the disrespect implicit in both yours and L’s texts? It’s difficult for me to say whether your wife deserves an apology: I don’t know how flirty the messages have become; I also don’t know how your troubled conscience might affect your relationship.

One of the biggest costs of any type of affair – physical, sexual, emotional, even fantasy affairs – is the effect it has on your partner. If you feel you’re hiding something and that disconnects you from your partner, then that is a loss. What do you feel you need to do to save the intimacy and integrity of your marriage? Do you feel that by stopping things now, before they become more physical, you’ll be able to draw a line under your relationship with L and focus on your wife instead? That is a decision for you to make peace with yourself.

Either way, I would let your wife know that you’ve chatted to L about her working outside the flat as you need to focus more on your work. As you say, it’s a small space. I think by mentioning your need for the flat to yourself, she will understand if there is any strange atmosphere between you and L.

If this is simply combination of flattery and ogling that is causing temptation, then your choice here is a committed marriage or succumbing to your ego with a double betrayal to your wife.