At 42, I have everything – but I’m unhappy

I wonder if you feel hoodwinked by society? It’s easy to dedicate our lives to achieving, gaining praise and kudos, only to find we’ve neglected ourselves. If you’ve treated yourself like an indestructible dog toy, it might be time to take self-care seriously. What did you enjoy in your twenties and thirties that you no longer have space for? Are you able to pursue previous passions? What are you doing to feed your soul? Neglecting yourself can bring grief and contribute to anger.

I wonder whether you’re successful but with so many obligations that you have limited financial freedom. Are you mortgaged to the hilt and obliged to provide a certain amount of money to credit cards, school fees or childcare? Listen to your own inner monologue, too: how you talk to yourself can stop you from feeling free and joyful, however wonderful your external world is.

I’d urge you  to examine how much your life belongs to you and brings you joy and satisfaction, and if anything is standing in the way of your passion and peace. Do you have the ability to cut down and simplify, or at least to make a space for you when you’re not earning and serving others? It might make everything feel worthwhile – and help you find the root of your grumpiness.

If you’re struggling to find what’s fuelling your anger, an efficient way is to stop yourself just before an outburst, and take a deep breath – not just to calm yourself but to let yourself feel the rage: from when and where do you associate it? It  could be something from childhood, your teenage years or university that’s playing out now, or could be a sense of betrayal or injustice in your present. Knowing what’s at the core of this might be healthier – and more effective – than dealing with the ways it’s showing up in life.

You mention resentment towards your partner: it’s common for us to find someone or something to blame for our feelings, or channel it inwards. Two things that can control us are blame and shame: maybe list out everything and everyone you feel resentful towards, that makes you feel grumpy or angry, get this out so you can look at it and choose to  change your relationship to it. Maybe you resent how easy everyone else seems to have it thanks to your efforts and you feel taken for granted.

In the meantime, it’s important to express anger in a healthy way: that might mean shouting and swearing while alone in the car (I’m not suggesting road rage, nor screaming at other people!), bashing a cushion with a baseball bat (take time to feel any emotions or memories that arise) or doing a martial art such as jiu-jitsu. I have a client who goes boxing: it does him more good than meditation  because he knows if he’s not present, he’ll have his lights punched out.

Do you feel that you, or anyone around you, is being harmed by this angry energy? The key to breaking the spell is to stop, pause and get some space from the situation so you don’t lash out. It’s also very important that you don’t lash in on yourself: inner critics can ruin people’s lives.

Forgive yourself: in moments of high stress it is easy to become dysregulated even while trying very hard. Communicate what’s going on to those you love. It’s better to formulate  feelings into words than have them pinballing around your head. Do consider talking with a professional so you can get to the root of these feelings and enjoy the life you’ve worked for.

Finally, and importantly, I wonder whether this behaviour was normal in your childhood home? Were your parents angry and grumpy? Is this how you feel in yourself, or  is it a learnt behaviour from when you were growing up? We don’t need to suppress or fight our thoughts, we can simply update them by asking ourselves: “Is this true right now?” Often, we’ll find our record is simply stuck in an old groove and we’re repeating the past without realising.