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I want to leave my bullying family business – but I’m trapped by the security

11 Mar 2024

 "I’ve been living my life to please my family and keep up appearances.

I want to leave my family business, with its bullying ways, but I feel trapped by the security and I don’t want to let them down."

James, 35

‘I wonder how much of this burden – which I have no doubt feels incredibly weighty – might be in your head,’ says Kenny (Photo: Djavan Rodriguez/Getty)

How hard it must be to balance out the conflicting emotions from your situation, which might include guilt at how you feel, frustration at your lack of autonomy, resentment that you’ve been groomed for greatness and gratitude at not having to start at the bottom of any career ladder like your peers – and the lifestyle this affords you.

Many people born into a family business, especially when your parents or grandparents have started something innovative that’s brought your family out of poverty and often helped the wider community, are left in a predicament. On the one hand, how do you live up to the expectation that you’ll be like your parents or grandparents and share the same values to continue their work in a very different world?

On the other hand, you might find yourself questioning whether you’re allowed to follow different ideas, values and ways of operating? Are you ‘allowed’ to do better than your parents or grandparents in business? On some level, we want the blessing of our elders and being a successful individual in your own right can feel like a betrayal of your family.

 

It’s worth identifying exactly the feelings that this pressure imposes upon you. Do you feel restricted in how you represent yourself and are seen in public? Do you feel you ‘‘‘should’ wear certain clothes? You also might feel yourself questioning whether your family’s love is conditional. This all adds a sense  of obligation to life; I worked with a minor aristocrat who temporarily lived abroad to explore who he really is and escape societal pressures and family expectations.

However, I wonder how much of this burden – which I have no doubt feels incredibly weighty – might be in your head, rather than coming from your family. The only way to find out is by talking to them openly and honestly. Keep in my mind that gratitude and feeling indebted are different emotions: gratitude comes with power to be free, without being a martyr  or feeling owned by your family, or the business.

 

I’ve known many families who want the best for their children, and want to give them the chance to lead the family empire, presuming that is what they will want. What might be a dream come true for one generation can be quite the opposite for another. For example, older generations were respected for workaholism, while you might prioritise being available for your partner and children, if and when you have them, for playing games and bedtime stories – even the school run.

Before having an open discussion with your family, ask yourself some questions:  what are your needs? How do you wish to live life? Where is your life being compromised? Beyond wealth and power, what do you want? It’s possible that you might need a break from the norm to take stock and look at life from the outside – and decide whether running the family business is a fit or not.

What makes this complicated is that the issues won’t simply be financial, but related to family dynamics. What part of the family script have you inherited? How can you exist within this script, or update the script? You might need to consider your own values so you can be true to yourself. Your situation is about the family beliefs that we are brought up with, which goes beyond standard people-pleasing, and you might find it helpful to see the world without looking through family lenses. Work out what values are important for you.

You mention the bullying ways that seem endemic within the business. Older generations built their empires in ways that seem toxic today, with ruthless decisions and bullying, leading with fear rather than listening and responding. Both business and society have evolved.

Modern leaders enjoy listening, collaborating  and empowering others in a way that is less hierarchical, and a lot more responsive. Your family organisation may be in need of this kind of leadership, with you leading the change, and welcome your needs and terms to have you stay in the business.

 

If, after speaking to your family – and, crucially, listening to what they say – you decide the family business isn’t for you then respectfully call the board together, as adults, to explore options for the future. Get together as a family and look at the bigger picture, by celebrating all that your parents  or grandparents have achieved.

Sometimes older generations need acknowledgement before they can let go and set themselves – and everyone else – free. You might find yourself in a position of finding a replacement for yourself: from within the family, or perhaps someone free of family ties. It might be that the leadership goes from one person to a group of individuals.

Unless your family is very toxic, you’ll probably have a wealth of opportunities to start your own business. Maybe your family wealth has given you a safety net so you can be truly free and do  some good within the world without the financial restrictions felt by many. Do remember, you have the option of following your heart, whether within the family business or outside of it.