Seeking out help from a professional may be the way forward, suggests i’s agony uncle (Photo: Ridofranz/Getty)

During all my years of listening to men, I’ve found that broadly there tend to be two types of infidelity. Firstly, there is emotional unfaithfulness: these are the affairs when people fall in love and might consider leaving their partner, or even starting a new life. The physical side of the affair, while sometimes intoxicating, is secondary to the emotional connection. I have witnessed existing relationships getting back on track after an emotional affair (as well as relationships ending); it tends to be very tough for both parties as it involves addressing needs not being met in their relationship and core personal issues.

Then, there’s physical infidelity, which is closer to your experience. It’s no less of a betrayal of trust, but it doesn’t seem predicated on any lack in your existing relationship, indeed, I have no doubt that you love your wife and your daughters. I appreciate how worried you must feel that your daughters will find out about your serial infidelity. Yet none of this has helped you to stop cheating.

I’m struck that you don’t know why you do this and I recommend that you make it your priority to find out, as this is the key to being able to stop your compulsive behaviour. The more you understand yourself and the needs that these women fulfil for you, the more you can make sure those needs are fulfilled without being unfaithful.

What are the circumstances that precede you being unfaithful? How do you feel about your life and your wife at these times – or does your daily life not exist when faced with an opportunity for sex? Do you ever feel bored, trapped or that you entered into a serious relationship too early? Is there a common denominator with the type of women you have sex with, or the circumstances, or how you feel, or even the type of sex you have with them compared with the intimacy you share with your wife?

Examine your motivations. Psychologists have found there tend to be eight reasons for having affairs: falling out of love, which doesn’t sound like it applies to your relationship, though do ask yourself if you’ve entertained doubts. Secondly, neglect. Do you ever feel neglected? Some people find a lack of attention from their partner encourages them to stray; or feel a need for more attention than they typically receive to feel good about themselves. Thirdly, do you ever experience a lack of commitment within your relationship with your wife?

What role does a wish for variety play? You’ve been with your partner for most of your life; three quarters of people – mainly men – admitted that one of the reasons for their infidelity was a desire for variety, in a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, catchily titled Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited.

Importantly, how much is sexual? Sometimes this is easy to recognise because the whole experience feels very disconnected. Do you have a high sex drive? How is sex in your relationship? When in bed with your wife, are things very different: perhaps more intimate and caring, or perhaps you’re able to experiment with different sexual styles and behaviours when you’re unfaithful? I’ve listened to many men who find themselves frustrated by the influence of their sex drive on their decisions.

Is it situational? Some people find that when an unexpected, surprising situation arises – perhaps while out drinking – they don’t refuse. Or does anger play into your motives: are you ‘punishing’ your partner or seeking revenge for some wrongdoing?

The final reason people reported was self-esteem. How is your self-esteem? Despite the guilt, you might choose infidelity as a way of feeling attractive, if you don’t feel attractive within yourself.

Crucially, take a look at your childhood and teenagehood from the safe vantage point of adulthood. A lot of unhealthy patterns stem from our formative years, and it’s possible that you are responding to a feeling that arose in you long before you met your wife and had children. Perhaps you learnt to use sex as a way of feeling better about yourself and compensating for your perceived lacks, perhaps you were neglected and sexuality brought attention your way. Perhaps you felt unlovable. Have you experienced a traumatic childhood event?

So many men live with shame, guilt and fear – and I hear that this is not what you want for yourself or your family, though you are choosing to live life on the edge, aware of what’s at risk.

By getting to know the darker parts of your personality and recognising the scars of your past, rather than deflecting these parts of yourself, you’ll find they have little to no power over your behaviour. Gaining an understanding of the part of you that chooses infidelity is the first step to disempowering it. Acknowledging how your feelings and motivations might have been a protective mechanism that you developed to keep yourself emotionally safe, or feeling worthwhile, or somehow free and alive, can be transformational. This might feel a lot to navigate alone; a professional will help you explore your past and recognise your present needs – and crucially, learn to express them directly.

I’ve worked with many men who’ve learnt about their good, their bad and their ugly in order to understand their motivations for behaviour that they find unhelpful or damaging to their lives. This has not only set them free from their compulsive behaviour, but it’s empowered them to live life to the full.

They refer to past infidelities as if it were a different person, and have completely changed their behaviour. Of course, there are others who realise monogamy isn’t in their nature and enter polyamorous relationships, get into swinging, or quite often, in my experience, choose to be single – or find themselves without a partner.

I have no doubt you’ll be able to learn the reasons for your infidelities and either start being faithful, or set your family free from the potential destruction. It is then that you can start rebuilding trust with your wife and offering her and your daughters the loyalty to which you aspire.